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Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Oxymoron? Escalation Requires Acknowledging Boundaries

When I first started to learn escalation, I didn't understand that boundaries should be acknowledged during escalation. It is something I would have never thought because, in my mind, escalation meant pushing forward through everything and getting what I wanted.

Some guys that don't understand the concept, might say that doing this is letting the woman have control or being a beta male that is not pushing forward to his desire. However, acknowledging a girl's boundaries allows you to escalate even more.

An example of acknowledging boundaries would be escalating on a girl in a bar, walking back to your friends, then returning if she starts to look at you. Or you could talk or flirt from a distance. You are giving the girl her personal space. Then you can go back to her and escalate more. The basic idea is to let off the gas a little bit and calibrate yourself. You want to keep a steady amount of tension but not to overwhelm the girl.

More examples of calibrated escalation:

Asking a girl "what she is doing later" rather than saying let's go home together, grabbing a girl and getting close to her then pushing her away, escalating then walking back to your friends suddenly, being somewhat aloof while also touching and whispering in her ear, having normal conversation while touching and closing distance, telling her she is beautiful right off the bat while also leaning in, telling her she is beautiful and you want to kiss her, spanking her and telling her she is bad.

Also, being straightforward about what you are doing by saying "I want to kiss you" or "You are beautiful" releases her tension because then she sees that you are being honest and don't have any ulterior motive that  she may have to deal with later or worry about. If you show that you aren't hiding anything, she will feel more relaxed with you doing what you intend to do.

Some of these may not make sense in writing. All of this has to be experienced infield. What you are doing is creating two emotions at once. You are creating a sexual presence while also releasing awkward tension. You want to raise the sexual tension while lowering her level of commitment pressure. If she feels like you are demanding attention or demanding her to comply with what you are doing, then she may eject and avoid you completely. However, if you make it playful, give her space, or act aloof, you are telling her that there is no pressure for her to comply with anything. At the same time, you are raising the sexual tension which makes her turned on and her primal mind pushes her to want to continue the interaction.

So, for guys that are new to escalation, they may think that they have to keep pressuring the girl. They may also be afraid to lose the girl by walking away or acting aloof. However, the girl realizes that the guy does not  know what he is doing or thinks of him as a horny aggressive drunk.

Here is what calibration and acknowleding boundaries tells a girl:

1. This guy is socially and sexually calibrated. He is experienced.
2. I can trust him if I go home with him. He won't force sex on me and he will respect my boundaries when we are alone.
3. He doesn/t expect me to put anything into this interaction. It's FREE fun. I don't have to give anything back.
4. This guy has self control and can control my sexual desires with almost no effort.
5. He is mysterious because he only gives me a little at a time. I want to know more.

Here is what you tell women when you don't acknowledge their boundaries:

1. This guy is an idiot. He must not get out much. And when he does, he can't control his desires.
2. If I take this guy home, he is going to force sex on me and I am going to feel uncomfortable with him.
3. I'm here at this bar to have fun and this guy is giving me the negative emotion of pressure.
4. He must have not had sex in a long time. He seems very desperate.
5. He is not socially or sexually calibrated. He must not interact with women or people in general much.

Many guys will call this theory "push-pull". However, they use this term with the negative connotation of CONTROLLING the girl. They want to give and take away to gain control. A seducer sees things from a different angle. The angle is that you are respecting the girl's boundaries and turning her on at the same time.

The main idea is that you show sexual and social awareness and this comforts a girl, allowing her to feel comfortable with you moving forward sexually with her. Once you do this, you can make out, have sex, etc. much more easily.

It is VERY IMPORTANT to keep in mind the idea of sexual tension and commitment tension are separate. You want to MAINTAIN and increase sexual tension while decreasing commitment tension. If there is not tension at all in your interaction, then you aren't escalating. Even though this article is mainly about respecting boundaries, you have to make sure that you are keeping your interaction sexually charged. If your conversation feels very comfortable, then escalation isn't happening. You should always be pushing forward while also just letting the girl know that you know about her boundaries along the way.

For guys that are new to escalation, it is important to learn all your techniques first. You can try to learn and apply the boundaries theory if you can at the same time. Or you can just work on techniques without worrying about getting blown out. I found the boundaries theory to be intermediate level knowledge, but I'm sure some guys can pull it off as beginners.

Talk to you soon,


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